


Never Meant to Hurt You

by SkyWasMadeofAmethyst



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forgiveness, Friendship, Growing Up, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mistakes, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 02:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWasMadeofAmethyst/pseuds/SkyWasMadeofAmethyst
Summary: This was what he'd wanted right? Then why did it feel so horrible? Dan broke up with you because it seemed like the right thing to do. He was in college now and he was still so young. He had been with you since you were kids. He should see what's out there instead of settling down. Dan quickly realizes that he might have made a mistake though. Can he win your heart again? Or has he hurt you too much to ever make things right?  A long talk on a snowy night leaves Dan struggling to win you back.





	Never Meant to Hurt You

"I never meant to be so bad to you  
One thing I said that I would never do  
A look from you and I would fall from grace  
And that would wipe this smile right from my face "- Heat of the Moment - Asia

………………………

The breakup had happened in the blink of an eye. It had taken one long distance phone call and only a few sentences for Dan Avidan to break your heart. “I think I want to see other people…We’re both still so young. I think we’re too young to tie ourselves down to each other. I’m sorry. We need to take a break. I’ll always love you. I’m so sorry. I just have to see what else is out there.”

That had been all it had taken. A few statements and it was over. You had screamed at him. Dan could still remember the words you’d said.

Those words haunted him at night as he laid down and tried to fall asleep.

“What? Why? What are you talking about? I know long distance has been hard, but why? I thought we were happy. This is coming out of nowhere. I just saw you when I visited a few months ago and we talked about the future. I love you. Why are you doing this?”

You had begun to sob your sorrow quickly being replaced with rage as you began to plead with him. “I’ve loved you since I was fifteen years old Leigh. You were my first everything! We said forever. You promised me a life together. We talked about getting married and having kids after college ends. We’re going to move to Philly and you’re going to start a band…I’m going try out for a ballet company. We’re going to be happy together. We were supposed to be together forever. You’re just throwing it all away? Just like that? How can you do that? You told me forever and now you want to see what else is out there. We don’t have to do this. Please don’t do this. Just talk to me Danny, I’ll do anything to fix us. I’ll do anything to make us work. I love you so much, please don’t do this.”

Dan had forced the words from his lips his heart screaming at him to listen but his stupid brain telling him to ignore it. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Your voice had only grown louder you sounding so raw and so broken the knife twisting into Dan’s heart only further. “I hate you! I hate you so much! I never want to see you again. Go to hell Leigh! You don’t love me! If you loved me you wouldn’t do this! I HATE YOU!”

You’d hung up at that and Dan had realized he’d fucked up.

It had been too late to fix it though. He’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

He’d fought the urge to crawl back to you and apologize. He’d fought the desire to grovel at your feet and admit that he had been wrong. He’d resisted the desire to beg you to take him back.

He had tried to tell himself that he would get over how terrible he felt. He had tried to tell himself that he was doing the right thing.

He had tried not to think about you at all.

He’d tried to move on. He’d tried to follow through with the plans he’d made, the experiences he’d wanted to have.

He’d had some wild experiences. He’d tried to sow his wild oats.

There had been other girls, a lot of sex. He’d let himself go wild; partying, being high off his ass 24/7, he’d travelled a little bit, He’d tried out so many different things.

He’d had a few hook ups, a few one-night stands, there had even been a wild drunken threesome in the mix.

College parties, drugs, booze, and the people he’d hung out with had made it pretty easy for him to have fun with no strings attached.

He should be having the time of his life, shouldn’t he?

This was what he’d wanted, wasn’t it?

Dan couldn’t deny that empty feeling at the core of his heart though. When the morning light came he was left alone with his thoughts.

As the months had gone by the worst he’d felt. He was alone. He was surrounded by people, but he was still so alone.

He was left alone to think. His thoughts were scary.

His anxiety was worst than it had ever been hitting him like a punch to the head. He found himself vomiting alone in the bathroom, sobbing in the shower, digging his fingers into his scalp and his skin.

He couldn’t deny that his body was so into the sex he’d been having, but his head and his heart, they were miles away.

As soon as the pleasure ended he was left feeling sick to his stomach. He hated himself. He hated everything.

His sexual partners left none of them wanting to stick around after the deed was done, and he was left to marinate in that sick feeling.

It all felt so wrong. All of this was so wrong.

This wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He was still so young. He was supposed to be having a wild college experience; one where he was single and free to do what he wanted.

No one had told him that freedom would be so lonely though.

No one had told him that he would find himself sitting up at four am locked in the bathroom dry heaving over a toilet and sobbing over what an idiot he was for letting go of the best thing that had ever happened in his miserable 22 years of existence.

Why had he even broken up with you in the first place? You were right; you had been so happy.

Yes, it was hard sometimes; he was at school in Boston and you were miles away going to a nice dance school in Portland. You were going to ballerina. You were so talented and he was so proud of you. Being apart sucked but he would never keep you away from your dream or the opportunity you’d had being accepted into such a prestigious academy. 

You’d made the long-distance work. You had talked nightly and had spent your summers and your breaks together.

You talked about your dreams. You shared so many dreams. All those dreams involved each other. You talked about forever. You were supposed to be together forever.

You’d even made things work the year before when Dan had taken that six-month exchange program in France.

It had taken one stupid phone call for Dan to throw it all away though.

His friend Max had planted the seed in his head. The man had scoffed as Dan had gotten off another hours long mushy conversation with his long-distance girlfriend.

The criticisms had dug into Dan’s head Max spouting off and Dan being too stupid to tell him to shut up.

“You’re crazy man. You’re too young to tie yourself down. You’ve been with this chick since you were what? Sixteen? She’s probably the only one who’s ever touched your dick besides you, right? Don’t you ever wonder what else is out there?”

Dan had tried to insist that no he didn’t, but Max had kept on going on and on.

“Think about it Danny. I’m older than you and I know what I’m talking about. You’re gonna wake up at like fifty married, fat, and balding with a mortgage a nag wife and a couple of brats and it’s going to hit you like a brick. You’ll wind up realizing that you wasted so many years with the same chick…and by then you’re gonna be too old and too sad to get laid. You’re an idiot for throwing in the towel so fast. This is college man. We’re young and free. We’re supposed to be out there having a good time. There’s so many girls out there man. It’s like an all you can eat buffet and you’re sticking one dish. Do you really want to wake up one day and realize that you never got to experience the world because you tied yourself down to one chick forever? Forever is a long time. You should get out there while you’re still young and live. Live before you’re too old to enjoy it.”

Dan couldn’t stop his stupid stupid anxiety ridden brain from obsessing over Max’s words.

What if Max was right?

You had been with Dan since you were fifteen and he was sixteen. You hadn’t been his first kiss but you had been his first experience in everything else.

He loved you, but what if you were making a mistake? You had only ever been together.

You had never broken up before. You had never been with anyone else.

How could you say forever when you were both still so young?

So, Dan had done a stupid dumbass idiot thing. He’d called you and broken your heart.

He’d realized that in the process he’d obliterated his own heart.

He felt stupid for even feeling sorry for himself.

He’d been so cruel. He’d broken your heart. He felt like he’d betrayed you.

Yes, you might have been broken up, but still he’d been intimate with other girls. He’d been with other girls when his heart had always screamed at him that you were the only girl he ever wanted to be with.

He was a bad person. His brain kept screaming this at him. He was a bad bad horrible person.

He hadn’t ever loved you had he? If he’d loved you he wouldn’t have hurt you.

Dan knew he’d been spiraling towards this for a long time; this breakdown, the moment when he would admit to himself that he had made a mistake.

He knew what had pushed him over the edge.

It had come in a simple envelope. The writing on the envelope hadn’t been your own. You must have had your roommate at school address the envelope for you.

Within that envelope had laid the one thing that had pushed Dan over the edge.

The ring was the only thing inside that envelope; the ring he’d bought you. The one he’d worked his ass off all summer to buy back when you were eighteen. You had loved the ring so much; the thin gold band with a tiny round opal nestled in the center of it.

You’d cried tears of joy when he’d slipped it on your finger.

It wasn’t an engagement ring. It was a promise ring. He’d given it to you the night before you’d both left for college. You’d been lying in bed nude and weepy whispering words of love to each other when he’d pulled the ring out of his bedside table. He’d given it to you with the promise that you would be together forever. He’d given it you swearing that he would never break your heart.

He’d promised you forever and then he’d taken it all away.

You were sending him back a token of that promise; a promise he had broken.

It was like a punch to the face.

Looking at that ring had made him finally face the truth; he had made the worst mistake he could possibly ever make.

Dan pulled up from the toilet as the bathroom door swung open his buddy and roommate Jacob sending him a knowing look.

“Jesus, you look like shit man.” He sighed pity in his eyes.

Jacob had been the first one who had told Dan that he was an idiot for breaking up with you. Dan had tried to shrug off Jacob’s insistence that he was making a mistake.

Dan could admit he’d gotten kind of snappy with him the last time Jacob had broached the subject with him.

It had been just the day before when Jacob had brought up the break up again.

Dan could remember the words he’d snapped at him. “You only met her once, so back off it. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were in love with her or something.”

Jacob had sent Dan a look knowing that his roommate was drunk. He’d been drunk or high as a kite since he’d broken up with you.

He spoke as though it was the most obvious thing on the planet. “You’re an idiot Danny. You had prime rib and you threw it out to eat cold hot dogs. I’m just saying…if I was in your shoes I’d do whatever it takes to fix it and get my girl back. You had someone incredible…and yeah, I was jealous of you. You had the world and you didn’t even see it. She loved you so much man. I could see it back when she visited a few months back. She looked so happy to be by your side. She was so in love. I would have given anything to have love like that. She was amazing and you did that to her…You dumped her for this empty bullshit…You aren’t happy. You let Max convince you to give up something amazing and you haven’t been happy since then. You’re running on autopilot Dan. You hate yourself. I can see it…you need to fix it or you’re going to wake up one day and realize you lost the love of your life because you wanted to play the field. You’re going to regret this.”

Dan had lashed out at him scoffing at the statement. “It’s none of your damn business. Back off and get the fuck out of my face!”

Dan had tried to punch him but Jacob of course was much stronger than Dan. Jacob was a massive guy. He was on the wrestling team. He was pure muscle and strength; he was like a huge teddy bear. He was too sweet to hit Dan back. He’d shoved his tall string bean like roommate back shaking his head at him and speaking his voice too calm. “Sleep it off for Christ’s sake Dan.”

Dan had been left alone after that. He’d been left to think about everything Jacob had said.

He knew why it had pissed him off so much. Jacob was right about everything. Jacob was so right. Dan had held the world in his hands and he’d tossed it out, and for what? A few sexual encounters, pot, parties, a feeling of emptiness, hangovers, self-hatred, a broken heart.

Jacob shook his head entering the bathroom and wetting a wash cloth before kneeling beside Dan pressing it to his forehead. “Here you idiot.”

The two men sat in silence for a moment before Jacob spoke again. “So, Hanukkah is coming up right? You still up for taking a massive black man home to Jersey to experience Judaism for the first time?”

The comment worked a laugh out of Dan though it came out as weak. Jacob didn’t have much of a family of his own, not one he cared to spend any time with.

In a lot of way Dan could admit he was in awe of Jacob. The man was a genius, far more intelligent and gifted than Dan was sure he’d ever be. The guy was here to go to medical school. He was athletic, funny, and intelligent.

Dan had grown close to Jacob and he couldn’t think of any other friend that he'd made while in college who he’d be rather introduce to his family. To be honest a lot of the friends he'd made in Boston weren't exactly family friendly.

Besides Dan had hoped bringing a friend over would maybe force his family to put on a show; be too caught up in trying to welcome a stranger into their home to ask Dan any questions about you and what had happened between you and he. He was too ashamed to admit to his family that he’d dumped someone who they had adored so much. He was especially too ashamed to admit the reason he’d broken up with you to his family.

Dan had been promising Jacob all year long that he’d take him to Jersey with him over winter break. He’d felt bad that Jacob didn’t do anything over the holidays, so his reasoning for inviting him to Jersey wasn’t 100 percent selfish. No one should have to spend the holidays all alone.

To be honest Jacob had been the one true friend Dan could say he’d made here in Boston. There were times where Jacob felt more like family than just his roommate.

He’d been the one constant during these past few months. He’d been there sitting with Dan through some of his anxiety attacks. He’d been there getting Aspirin when Dan woke up hungover. He’d been there trying to yank Dan out of trouble when Dan was too blasted to realize that he was doing something dangerous.

Jacob wasn’t afraid to call Dan on his bullshit. Maybe that was the best quality to have in a friend?

“I’m still up for taking a gentile home.” Dan replied snorting as Jacob spoke again sending him a smirk.

“Alright, just be sure to keep the pot I know you’re gonna have on you hidden on the trip to Jersey. Last thing your Jew self and my black ass need is getting pulled over in some backwoods hick town with pot on us.”

Dan snorted at this shaking with laughter though the action made his stomach lurch. It felt like it had been such a long time since Dan had laughed; genuinely laughed without it hurting.

Once the laughter died down Jacob nodded down at the chain hanging around Dan’s neck and that ring dangling from it. “When we get there you’re getting that ring back on her finger.”

Dan furrowed his brow his stomach plummeting. “She hates me man. She never wants to see me again….I don’t think she’ll take me back. I don’t deserve it.”

Jacob rolled his eyes knowing it wasn’t the first time he’d heard the last part of Dan’s statement. “You probably don’t…but that’s what forgiveness if for Danny. Ask for forgiveness and show her you’re willing to work to win back any trust she’s lost in you. Enough of this shit you’ve been stewing in for months…You’re miserable. It’s time to end this.”

Dan felt his stomach twist once again taking in Jacob’s words.

He was right. It was time to end this.

How would he even get you to listen to him though?

Jacob spoke again as though he was reading Dan’s mind. “You will regret it if you don’t at least try.”

Dan sighed nodding his head. He had to try.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

You couldn’t help but to glare as you stared out the window in your childhood bedroom at the fresh Jersey snow.

You hadn’t wanted to come home for the holidays, but you knew it would just make things worse if you stayed away.

Your parents wouldn’t stop asking about Danny. You hadn’t told them the truth; about why he’d broken up with you.

You knew if you said he’d broken up with you to play the field your older brother would probably break both of Dan’s legs.

Your brother had never been too fond of Dan. He’d probably leap at the chance to put Danny into the hospital.

A cruel vengeful part of your heart almost wanted your brother to kick Dan’s ass. You wanted Dan to hurt just as much as you hurt.

You couldn’t stop that tiny chunk in your heart from caring about him though. You couldn’t stop your stupid heart from not wanting him to be hurt. He’d been so heartless but you still wanted to protect him. You were so pathetic.

Your brain kept thinking about how Dan was so thin. He’d always had such trouble gaining weight. His self defense tactic had always been to take the punches and deal with it.

He’d never been a fighter.

Your brother was a big guy. He could break every bone in Dan’s body without even trying that hard. He might kill Dan if he was pissed off enough. Your brother had always been protective of you after all.

You might hate Dan, but you still could admit that you cared about him. You didn’t want to see him be physically hurt.

You hated that you cared about him at all.

He had hurt you so much. You loved him with all your heart and he’d just thrown you away.

He had been your first kiss, your first everything. You’d met through friends in high school. His buddy Adam had been dating one of your friends. Adam and your friend Gina had decided to have a double date apparently Gina deciding that you needed to go out on a date.

You were so virginal and innocent. So caught up in your ballet dreams to pay attention to anything else.

She’d talked you into going on that date insisting Adam’s buddy was just the sweetest.

You’d had to admit that he was. Dan had your heart right from the start.

You’d become inseparable so easily. You’d talked about the future; about marriage and babies, and your dreams.

When you’d visited him in Boston months ago things had seemed so perfect. You had been introduced to all his friends. He’d doted on you. He’d taken you sightseeing. He’d told you that he’d already been asking around a few of the friends he’d made from Philly about cheap apartments. He’d been planning for the future that was going to happen once you both graduated. He’d been making plans for you.

You had plans and Dan had shit all over those plans out of nowhere. He’d given you whiplash. He’d yanked the rug out from under you with no warnings at all.

At first you’d done nothing but cry. You had wanted to die.

You had laid in bed and sobbed and wished for this to all be a bad dream. Your friends had held you trying to soothe you. Your roommate Jessica had even threatened to call Dan herself and chew him out, though you’d begged her not to.

After a month of doing nothing but crying the rage had come to cradle your broken heart.

It had been easier to hate Dan than to admit that you still loved him.

You had let your roommates take you out clubbing and try to distract you.

You wouldn’t be telling the truth if you tried to claim that you hadn’t spent a bit of these past few months blind stinking drunk.

You’d also be full of shit if you tried to say you hadn’t woken up more than once in some stranger’s bed.

The strangers never looked like Dan. You went for guys that didn’t make you think about Danny. Even drunk your heart couldn’t stand the familiarity of being with someone who looked like Dan in any way at all.

You never stayed in those stranger’s beds the morning after. Not even when they begged you to give them a chance.

You had promised yourself you wouldn’t give your heart to anyone ever again.

People would only let you down. The only person you should count on was yourself.

You had tried to make yourself become an emotionless bitch. You had told yourself that your heart would be cold. You would be stone; an ice queen who didn’t let her heart get attached to anyone.

Being in your childhood room though brought back too many memories. That icy exterior was melting and the sorrow was returning.

Your childhood bedroom held so many memories. It was like everywhere you looked there was a memory of Dan.

Memories of “studying” on your twin bed. Memories of sitting down in front of your tiny tv watching the Goonies and the Last Unicorn. There were memories of you lying in his arms in your underwear those times you’d skipped school and taken advantage of an empty house with Danny.

Even looking at the window made you think of all those times you’d snuck out of it in the middle of the night and ran to Dan’s car off to park somewhere and fool around.

The little gifts Dan had given you over the years still sat out on the dresser; stuffed animals, and valentine’s day cards, funny little songs he’d written you on notebook paper, mix tapes he’d made you, and pictures of you together.

You’d turned the photos frame down. You couldn’t even look at the photos without wanting to throw up.

You hated being here. You wanted to run away.

You didn’t even want to go back to Portland. You wanted to run far away; maybe across the globe, anywhere but here.

You wanted to run from anything that made you think of Leigh Daniel Avidan and how much your heart felt like it was dying.

Your brow only furrowed your glare deepening as an old beat up car pulled up in front of your parent’s house.

It was almost two am. What was a car doing here?

Your family had gone to your uncle’s house for a holiday party. They would probably be gone most of the night or wind up sleeping there. Your Uncle Ron always spiked the egg nog and there was always champagne.

Your parents had tried to get you to come along, but you’d refused. You didn’t feel like celebrating not this year.

This time last year you were at Danny’s parents place; having dinner listening to Dan’s little sister tell embarrassing stories about Dan.

You’d been holding Dan’s hand giving him a fond teasing smile through dinner.

You’d snuck up to his childhood bedroom as the night had winded down and his family had begun to fall asleep in front of the tv. You’d made love to Dan giggling as you rode him out on his childhood bed the both of you trying to keep your moans shushed praying that the creaking bedsprings weren’t audible through the locked bedroom door.

You felt bile rise in your throat as you recalled this memory. The vomit only rose further as the passengers door opened the last person you ever wanted to see exiting the vehicle.

You wanted to open the door and scream at him to go fuck himself. Dan shouldn’t be here. He had no right to be here.

You hated him…..you hated him so much, but you love him. God you loved him so much and it hurt so damn much.

You stood frozen in place as you watched him walked through the snow towards your front porch the door bell ringing through the silence.

Your first instinct was to go hide. You should hide in the bathroom; lock the door sit in the bathtub with the shower curtain closed until you were sure Dan disappeared.

The thought was so childish; as though you were a little girl hiding from the boogeyman or hiding from the ghosts your brother had always taunted you with claiming your house was haunted.

You weren’t a little girl; you were a grown woman.

It was time to put on your big girl pants and answer that door.

Your feet drug as you made your way downstairs.

Your hands shook your jaw tightening keeping your face emotionless as you reached for the front door sliding open the lock.

You reluctantly opened the door crossing your arms as though you could protect yourself as you stared at Dan through the screen door.

Dan widened his eyes as he spotted you. You’d cut your hair. It was the first thing he’d noticed. Your hair had always been so long; almost down to your bottom.

You’d cut it off into a short pixie cut.

You’d dyed it too. Your hair had always been blonde; a honey blonde.

It was now dyed an inky black.

Your eyes looked so empty as they took in his presence. The lips that he’d adored kissing so much were fixed into a twisted scowl.

You looked so tiny; smaller than your usual petite form. You seemed so young, so fragile. Dan had to wonder if he looked just as young. He felt just as fragile.

“I know it’s late. I just got into town…and I wanted to come here right away.” The words slid out of Dan he automatically feeling dumb for it.

He should be on his knees right now. He should be sobbing and begging for your forgiveness. But all he could do was talk about how late it was.

“What are you doing here?” You snapped the words cutting him to the bone.

He could tell you were trying hard not to show any emotion. Your words were sharp and quick, you struggling not to fall apart.

He spoke his words coming out quick and weepy. He already felt like falling apart. He should feel this way, he knew it.

Being here, seeing your face for the first time in months. It was almost too much.

You were in the same predicament; seeing him hurt. Your heart wanted to reach for him and let him comfort you the way he always did.

You always found such comfort in his long lanky arms. He was so tall compared to you. He made you feel so safe. You would stare up him his dark eyes looking down at you filled with love through his glasses he usually ditching the contacts after eight pm. You’d play with his curls and everything in the world would seem okay.

He looked so broken right now. You were almost sure he looked thinner, if that was even possible. His hair was a little longer.

You could remember he’d told you once that he kind of wanted to grow his hair out super long one day and maybe donate it to one of those charities that made wigs for kids with cancer.

You were almost amused to see that he must have just washed his hair within the last day or so because it was at its top poofy jewfro form.

If you didn’t hurt so much it would have made you laugh.

He looked like he was cold despite his coat and NY Giants scarf and it suddenly hit you that his car didn’t have a heater. He’d told you that the a/c and heater in his car was busted back when you’d visited him in Boston.

He’d probably frozen the entire trip here. A part of you was worried that he’d made himself sick. He was so thin and so sensitive to the weather. He was prone to overheating but he was just as prone to freezing.

You pushed back this worry reminding yourself that you hated him as you listened to him speak.

“I need to see you.”

“Well you’ve seen me, now go fuck yourself.” You snapped that old friend rage coming back to you to cradle you in its arms.

Dan jumped at the harshness of your words. You were staring at him like he was the devil.

He held his hands up refusing to give up just yet. He had to fix this. Jacob probably wouldn’t let him leave until he’d fixed this.

Dan was almost stunned Jacob hadn’t gotten out of the drivers seat and carried him inside while barking out that you were going to sit and talk like grown ups.

“I know I deserve that….Just please…please hear me out. Give me an hour to talk. Please.”

You wanted to slam the door in his face. You wanted to spit and scream and tell him to burn in hell. That little chunk of your heart that still loved him refused to let rage take control though.

You spoke reaching for the screendoor. “I’ll give you thirty minutes…less if you fuck up.”

Dan entered the house following you to the living room his mind flooding with memories. He stared at your family’s salmon pink sofa remembering he’d sat on that exact sofa waiting for you to come downstairs the night of your Junior Prom.

You’d worn a pretty light blue dress and he’d blushed when he’d put the white and blue corsage he’d gotten for you on your wrist while both of your parents took pictures. His parents had made that trip to your parents place to stake claim on taking some pictures of you as well.

He’d been so nervous looking at your dad and your older brother; both guys giving him stern looks. They’d never liked him too much.

You’d never cared though. You’d loved him.

That night was the night you’d lost your virginities to each other. He could remember how he’d taken you to that hotel a few friends were throwing an after party at. You’d both lied to your parents claiming you were spending the night at friend’s houses after the prom.

Dan still couldn’t believe you’d gotten away with it.

He could remember how you’d held on to each other your bodies trembling the both of you teary eyed after it was all said and done. He could remember how embarrassed he’d been. It had been so fast; he’d cum so quick. He’d felt sick when he’d looked down at the condom and spotted blood.

You’d yanked him out of his dread holding him reassuring him that it was okay; that you loved him. He hadn’t hurt you you’d reassured him. You were only a little sore, but it was a good sore. It was perfect, you’d insisted.

He’d promised you he would love you forever that night. It was the first time he’d ever talked to you about forever. You’d clung to him promising him the same.

It had seemed like a lifetime ago. You were both so young then, even more so than now.

You sat on the arm of the sofa Dan sitting on a cushion. He felt his heart break all the more as it hit him that you couldn’t even bear to sit on the cushion beside him. Your arms were still crossed over your waist as though you were protecting yourself from him. He was the last person you should have to protect yourself from.

Dan was the first to speak knowing he’d been rolling around the words he wanted to say all the way to Jersey. He’d practiced a big speech in his head but he’d already forgotten most of it.

There was only one thing he could say. “I made a mistake. I should have never broken up with you.”

You stared at him your eyes still so cold. You shook your head your words so harsh. “You broke my heart.”

Dan closed his eyes for a brief moment the words stinging. He opened them forcing himself to look at you, at what he’d done to you. “I know. I made a mistake. I…I hate myself for what I did.”

“I hate you too.” You snapped wanting to make your words sting. That rage in you still wanted to see him suffer.

Dan nodded his head your words having their effect. “You should.”

He paused his throat tight. He spoke trying to speak from the heart. He should follow Jacob’s advice; beg. “I know I don’t have the right to even be here right now. I don’t deserve your forgiveness….but I’m asking for it…I’m asking for more than that. I’m…I’m begging you to just please give me the chance to make this right…to try to prove to you that I can be the guy you fell in love with. Please just give me another chance.”

You scoffed shaking your head wanting to slap him; that rage still spiraling around in you like a tornado ready to leave waste to everything. “You can’t be serious? You just dump me, no warning, no reason other than you wanted to experience life. I begged you to stay with me…to talk to me. You threw me away Leigh. You tossed me aside to go shove your dick in any girl you could find. You can't seriously expect to just come waltzing back in expecting me to take you back. It’s too late for I’m sorry, damage is done. I can’t just forget how much you hurt me. You’re such an asshole if you think things can just be all rainbows and sunshine now.”

Dan felt his throat grow tight his eyes watering just the slightest. He refused to give up. He refused to leave this house until he fixed this all.

He couldn’t go back to Boston knowing he’d failed to win you back. “I don’t expect to just waltz in here and have you back like that. I don’t expect things between us to go back to the way it was. I don’t expect you to pretend I never hurt you. I’m just begging for the opportunity to win you back. I’m just asking for you to let me try to prove to you that I know I screwed up. I don’t expect you to forget that I hurt you. I’d never expect you to pretend I didn’t hurt you. I want to acknowledge that I made a gigantic mistake.”

He paused taking a deep breath deciding honesty was the best policy. He just had to lay it out on the table. “I owe you an explanation of why I did what I did…I never gave that to you. You remember that guy I introduced you to back in Boston…Max?”

You frowned remembering the guy. He’d given you bad vibes but you’d kept quiet about it. Dan had been so excited to introduce you to his friends, you’d just wanted to have a nice visit.

Dan spoke again sighing ashamed to tell the truth. “He kept hounding me….telling me I was dumb for settling down so young. He wouldn’t stop…and I know that’s not an excuse. I’m my own person with my own freewill. I should have shut it down right away….I see that now. I was so stupid though…I listened to him. I let him tell me that I needed to see what was out there. My brain clung on to this fear that he might just be right. I was so dumb…I should have talked to you…I should have let you talk me down. I fucked up though and I let my anxiety tell me I had to see…I let my own stubborn head talk me into breaking up with you. I knew it was a mistake the second I said those words…I was so dumb. I wanted to fix this…I’ve wanted to call you, to do anything to fix us. I let myself go though…I thought it was too late…I let myself do what Max told me I should and I was left feeling so empty. I knew it was a mistake but I was too stubborn to admit it.”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to tell him that he was stupid. He should have loved you enough to tell his friend to shut up. He should have chosen you over his anxiety.

You felt the words leave your lips wanting to make yourself hurt all the more. “Did you sleep with anyone else?”

Dan cringed part of him wanting to lie. He knew he couldn’t though. If he really wanted to fix this then he had to be honest. He had to lie it out on table for you to see. It was time to be honest. “Yes I did.”

He paused shaking his head. “I’ve spent these past few months high and drunk….there’s been…there’s been a few girls…It was never anything more than sex. I tried a lot of crazy things….I had a lot of hook ups…and a threesome…I always went into it with the understanding that it was just sex, no chance of a relationship…just sex.”

He cringed spotting the way you held on to yourself tighter at these words. He hated to say it out loud but it was the truth. The truth will set you free right?

He sighed speaking again “I thought if I kept making myself feel good then I could ignore how bad I felt on the inside. I didn’t want to tell the truth…that no matter who I slept with your face was all I wanted to see. I couldn’t deny how wrong it all felt once the sex was over…my body may have been into it, but every other part of me…my heart, and my soul and my mind…it couldn’t focus on anything but how sick I felt…how it wasn’t supposed to be like that. I didn’t understand…I mean I thought it was what I was supposed to want….freedom. Freedom, it’s not really free though. Freedom is like a rope I was hanging myself with. I…I am so sorry. I would take it all back if I could. I betrayed you….I know we were broken up, but I still know that…that it was a betrayal of any promises I ever made to you.”

You couldn’t stop the words from leaving your lips. “I fucked someone else….there was more than one guy…there were a few one night stands. A few guys begged me to give them a chance for something more.”

You paused lying just a little bit at least about the first part. “I almost did give them a chance. There was this guy at school with me…another one of the students…when we first broke up he asked me out and I said yes. I went to a ballet with him. I made out with him when the night was over.”

You stared at him watching the pain hit him.

A few months ago you would have soaked up that pain; soaked his pain in like a dry sponge. You would have thought it would feel good to see him hurt.

You would have thought that it would serve him right to see that someone else had wanted you. You would have thought you would have loved seeing him realize that he threw away his toy and now the other kids wanted it.

You couldn’t deny the sting in your heart as you watched the look on his face though. He looked like you’d slapped him.

You spoke needing to say the words. “Does that hurt you?”

Dan nodded his head unable to stop himself from admitting it. He’d known it was a possibility that he wasn’t the only one who’d been with other people after your break up. He’d tried to tell himself this when he felt guilty; that you were probably out fucking other guys so who should care if he was screwing other girls. Hearing that it was the truth stung though. “Yeah it does.”

You spoke wanting to get it all out. He had to hear the words. He needed to know just how bad it was. “Good. You deserve so much more pain. You hurt me so much Leigh.”

Dan cringed wishing you’d stop calling him by his legal first name. You’d always called him Dan and Danny, but maybe he’d lost that right with you.

You shook your head continuing. “I loved you…so much. We planned our lives together. I wanted forever with you. We’d already talked about our wedding and named our first hypothetical kid…and you threw it away. I wanted to die. I hated myself…I hated that you hurt me so much…You were the last person in the world who I ever thought could hurt me. You were such a huge part of me…when you threw me away it was like you threw out part of me. I’m not sappy enough to say I believe in soulmates…I am my own person…but you were still a part of the person I was. I lost part of myself when you told me it was over. I tried to tell myself that I could live without you and…and it turns out I can.”

Dan felt himself begin to crumble at these words. He closed his eyes letting himself begin to fall apart; allowing himself to sob into his hands. This was it, wasn’t it? There was no fixing it. He’d screwed up too much.

He’d lost you.

You spoke again taking him by shock. “I don’t want to live without you though.”

He stared up at you his eyes still brimming with tears his body still wracked with sobs. You shook your head beginning to cry as well. “I hate that I still love you so much. I’ve wanted to despise you and I have….but my heart…my heart still loves you. I still love you.”

“I love you too. I never stopped loving you. I am so sorry.” Dan cried fighting the urge to take you into his arms. He hadn’t earned that yet.

You shook your head anxiety swirling around inside of you. “I’m so scared Danny. I love you so much, but you hurt me so much. I want you so badly still, but I am so afraid you’re gonna do it again…that you’ll throw me away again. I’m so scared.”

Dan broke at this pulling you against him down from the arm of the sofa into his lap. He cradled you against him rocking you in his arms shushing you. “I know baby I know, I’m scared too. I love you and I know I hurt you so much. I am so sorry. I know I could say that I’m sorry forever and it would never even begin to be enough. I have been so afraid without you. I never want to feel that way again. I never want you to feel that way ever again. I will do anything it takes to win your heart again.”

He paused caressing your cheek relieved that you didn’t shove him away, instead allowing yourself to lean into his touch as he spoke again. “I know it’s not going to happen overnight…I know it’s going to take work on my part…I’m willing to do the work though. I will do anything you need me to do to win your trust and your heart again.”

You sniffled allowing more of your heart to spill out to him. “I don’t want to go back to Portland…I’m so lonely there Dan…I have…I have friends but I’m still so alone. I’m so scared there.”

“Come back to Boston with me….please. I only have a year left in school…I can finish up and then we can go to Philly….Let us start over.” Dan begged taking the chance. He couldn’t leave New Jersey without you.

You sighed the words falling out of you. “We can’t start over.”

You watched Dan’s face crumble at this he trembling as he began to fall apart again. You spoke up again clearing up your statement. “I mean….we can’t, we can’t just make a fresh start. We can’t pretend what happened didn’t happen. We can move forward though…we can move forward together, learning from our mistakes.”

Dan’s tears continued to fall his hand still pressed to your cheek as he dared to ask. “You’ll try again…You’ll let me try to win your heart.”

You sniffled giving in to the one thing you’d dreamed over for months now. “Yes, you’re going to work for it though.”

“I will. I promise I will.” Dan swore his forehead pressing to yours resisting the urge to kiss you.

He was stunned as you made the move your lips pressing to his, the kiss chaste, a little uncertain.

He kissed back denying to urge to deepen it. Now wasn’t the time. You were getting reacquainted. He had to work for it.

Your lips parted from his all too soon but you both knew there was a promise that there would be more to come when you were both healed enough for it.

Dan dared to speak needing to hear the words. “Will you come to back to Boston with me?”

You nodded your head your forehead pressing back to his, his arms still encircling your waist you still straddling his lap. “Yes I will….I can still dance…I might have to take some time off till we’re able to settle in Philly, but I can still dance. I have enough experience to at least probably get a job teaching it in the mean time.”

Dan felt a smile cross his lips feeling happy for the first time in months. You widened your eyes as you spotted the chain around his neck.

You couldn’t stop yourself from placing a gentle hand on the chain pulling it from under his t-shirt your eyes watering at the sight of the ring.

Dan felt his own eyes begin to water as he spoke. “I haven’t taken it off this chain since it arrived in the mail a few weeks ago.”

You sniffled shaking your head. “I….It took a while for me to send it back…I took it off after I hung up on you that night…but…but I wasn’t ready to get rid of it yet….my roommate…she talked me into sending it back…I let her take care of it. She said it was making me depressed to have it in my room still.”

You touched the ring gently almost as though you were afraid of it. Dan dared to speak hoping he wasn’t pushing for too much too soon. “Would you like it back?…..I mean…or I could get you a new one, if that’s better. I can get a ring too….or if you aren’t ready…You don’t have to wear one.”

You spoke the words falling out of you. “I want it back…I want to buy you a ring too.”

Dan sniffled his hands moving quickly his long fingers unfastening the chain.

He stared up at you his hand shaking as he slid the ring home on your left hand.

You stared down at it your eyes watering. You spoke your voice soft. “I feel whole again.”

Dan held you against him his voice just as soft as he answered you. “So do I.”

The moment ended when a voice sounded out a little amused. “Uhhh…guys, sorry to interrupt…but I’m fucking freezing outside…and I think I was freaking out [y/n’s] neighbors...sitting out in a running car in the middle of the night this long.”

Dan and you felt yourselves laugh as you stared up at Jacob the man’s cheeks flushed ever so slightly as he stared down at you.

He spoke shaking his head sending Dan a teasing look. “I can take the car…head back to your parents place…while you two get reacquainted.”

He paused not helping but to take the chance to make Dan blush. “Just gonna throw this out there though…if I leave you tonight and you knock her up you have to name your kid after me.”

Dan shook his head flipping Jacob the bird rather quickly “Shut up….you aren’t funny.”

“My not funny ass drove you here and called you out on your bullshit.” Jacob pointed out causing you to snicker.

You pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek your boyfriend looking a little stunned by the showing of affection. You looked to Jacob shaking your head. “Go back to his parents. I’ll take him home tomorrow.”

“Fine, guess we’re doing shared custody.” Jacob replied leaving you to snicker as he turned to leave.

Dan stared up at you his voice soft a little stunned that you were letting him stay the night. “I love you.”

“I love you too….just warning you though…we aren’t doing anything but sleeping tonight.” You replied causing Dan to smile.

“I know. I have to work for it.”

His smile only grew as you pulled yourself from his lap leading him upstairs.

You were going to make him work for it, for a little while at least.

You had no doubt that he would work hard.


End file.
